


pickin’ up things we shouldn’t read

by singlemalter



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Gen, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-06 19:24:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20296705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singlemalter/pseuds/singlemalter
Summary: Lando Norris’ relationship with fanfiction starts off fairly healthy.Then it descends into the worst decision of his life.





	pickin’ up things we shouldn’t read

  
stoutmcgee 659 points 8 hours ago  
There’s a plethora of Lando content at /r/fanf1ction if that’s what you’re looking for  


> landonorris 1752 points 5 hours ago  
Wait, what?  


* * *

So, the thing is: it’s funny at first.

It’s just a meme, a bunch of people who see their inside gay joke and join in by taking the piss however they can. Lando isn’t bothered by it; if anything, he finds the fanfiction profoundly amusing, with its crude car puns and accompanying gifs.

Except, it turns out there are people who _aren’t_ taking the piss when they write this stuff, and Lando has no idea how he feels about it. Several of these posts are straight-up porn, many of which feature him taking it up the arse, a notion he’s never been enthusiastic about in spite of his acceptance of his attraction to men. A couple include bodily fluids Lando doesn’t associate with sex in any capacity.

He reads the tamer ones, just to get a taste of the whole business. The first fanfic he reads is about him and Carlos cuddling on a couch and talking shit about the Renault drivers. It’s not realistic per se, but he enjoys how the author incorporates his verbal tics into the dialogue: he counts seven instances of “brotha” and four nervous snorts followed by milk jokes, some of which he incorporates into his mental log of things to say if he wants to piss Carlos off. 

These silly simulacra don’t have to mean anything. They’re enjoyable, available for free, a special insight into his followers, and Lando has fun with them. It’s not as if it’s a vice or something of the sort; he’s not a freaking _fanfiction junkie_. 

* * *

He gets addicted to the damn things. 

Lando realises this when his eyes start aching from so many hours on the sim and he opens Chrome only to end up on the Archive, its white-red interface staring mockingly back at him. The website now shows up in his search bar as soon as he’s typed a single A, a fairly dire predicament for someone who spends all his free time on the computer.

Still, he clicks through to the Formula 1 tag and has a look at all the new posts. He does this often enough that there’s never a whole page to catch up on, but with sufficient breaks in between to allow for a greater flow of fanfic once he returns. 

He’s becoming a master at this.

team rivalries by 1995boyes3 Aug 2019  
Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr, Lando Norris, Carlos Sainz Jr, shameless porn, i'm sorry but the jersey poch gave him is lowkey hot  
  
Real Madrid lose to Tottenham Hotspur in the Audi Cup semifinals. Carlos, a true and tried madridista, takes out his anger on Lando’s perky butt, its curve barely covered by the oversized Spurs jersey he’d been gifted in Silverstone.  
  
Language: English Words: 2,480 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 5 Kudos: 47  
Bookmarks: 2 Hits: 199

Lookalikes by carefully_writing2 Aug 2019  
Actor RPF, Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Tom Holland/Lando Norris, Tom Holland, Lando Norris, Crackship, Fluff abound!!  
  
Tom Holland was at the British Grand Prix and I just had to write this! Please don’t judge my crackfic lol.  
  
Language: English Words: 927 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 3 Kudos: 34  
Bookmarks: 1 Hits: 128

The last one piques his interest more than he cares to admit. Lando shamefully opens it on another tab, sluggishly scrolling down the paragraphs describing Tom Holland’s sheepish grin and dorky jokes. At one point, the story devolves into naked wrestling, and Lando feels his dick stir inside his sweatpants.

_Oh my God, I’m enjoying this_, Lando thinks. Something sour churns in his stomach and he closes the window, resolute never to read more fanfiction for as long as he lives.

* * *

Like clockwork, Lando finds himself reading fanfiction again. It’s not that big of a problem, because he’s home alone most of the time, conveniently allowing him to browse whatever the hell he wants without anyone calling him out on his weird habits.

The issue, however, is that his friends have no concept of personal space and privacy.

One of these friends happens to be Max Verstappen, driver extraordinaire and huge prick. Max very kindly texts him before popping by his home in Surrey, adding a threat of kicking Lando’s arse to hell and back if he doesn’t have snacks ready.

Lando, being a good friend, promptly pauses his procrastination to check if there’s anything edible in his kitchen, lest he have to order pizza instead. He grabs five bags of crisps and a two-litre bottle of Coke, deeming that sufficient to fuel them through about two hours of FIFA, and neatly distributes them across his coffee table. The final product is beautiful, a perfect testament to the nature of two young men with plenty of time on their hands.

He scurries to the bathroom to take a leak. Max, like any good arsehole ought to do, chooses this specific moment to arrive. Thankfully, Lando’s taken precautions. 

_Door’s open_, he texts Max. Lando does what he has to do, tucks his dick away, washes his hands, and strolls back into his room to find Max, leaned over Lando’s desktop with a frown on his face. 

“What the fuck is this?”

Lando squints. “What are you looking at? I was just in the bathroom.”

“I mean, I came to your PC to maybe play a prank on your Twitch or whatever, and I found this,” Max explains. He tilts the monitor slightly. “There’s a lot of sex from what I can see.”

Lando’s looked at the Archive of Our Own too many times not to immediately recognise it. “Oh,” Lando chokes out. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re red,” Max says. It _is_ true: Lando’s cheeks are so flushed he feels them heat up. “It’s not nothing, mate, just tell me.”

“Um, it’s…” Lando pauses. “It’s nothing!” 

Max rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Come on, man. Is this porn? Is it like those weird stories people write for middle-aged mums?”

He figures it’s best to go with that explanation. “I guess so, yeah?”

“Then why are the names of, like, the drivers here?” 

Peppermint by KimiFanboyNumberOne17 Aug 2019  
Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Lando Norris/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, Max Verstappen, Fluff, Established Relationship  
  
Max visits Lando’s family home for Christmas. Cuteness ensues.  
  
Language: English Words: 836 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 3 Kudos: 14  
Bookmarks: 1 Hits: 96

fightin’ a wheel that pulls to the right by Jens200915 Aug 2019  
Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Lando Norris/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, Max Verstappen, Lando is sad, Max doesn't know what to do, Emotional Sex, post Canada 2019  
  
Lando shows up to Max’s hotel room after Canada. / Title from Til Death by Japanese Breakfast.  
  
Language: English Words: 1,982 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 3 Kudos: 44  
Bookmarks: 1 Hits: 176

More than a ten second penalty by rredbul15 Aug 2019  
Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, PWP, Angry Sex, Rough Sex, Post Hungary 2017, i hope my mum don't read this  
  
Max and Dan work out their feelings. With sex. Because why not.  
  
Language: English Words: 3,293 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 5 Kudos: 52  
Bookmarks: 2 Hits: 299

“I, uh,” Lando says. “I can explain.”

“How did you find this?”

“I just—I looked my name up and found it!”

“I didn’t see this when _I_ searched for myself. Mate, this is kind of weird,” says Max, nudging the cursor dangerously close to the Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen tag. “Wait, is that my name?”

“Jesus Christ,” Lando shrieks, unable to do anything but gawk in horror as Max clicks through and scrolls through the latest updates. 

The Rodeo by badgerino1 Aug 2019  
Formula 1 RPF  
  
  
**No Archive Warnings Apply,** Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Daniel Ricciardo, Max Verstappen, Anal Sex, Cowboys & Cowgirls, im not sorry lmao  
  
Cowboy!Dan teaches Max how to ride the best things in life.  
  
Language: English Words: 3,112 Chapters: 1/1 Comments: 10 Kudos: 52  
Bookmarks: 4 Hits: 341

“So you’re telling me,” Max says slowly, “people write about me and Daniel? Doing, you know…?”

“Um,” says Lando, and he’s never considered himself _eloquent_, but this is ridiculous. 

Max (correctly) takes that as a yes. “And you read it?”

“No!”

“A lot of these links are purple.”

“I was curious!” Lando is pretty sure his face is about to explode.

“This one says _daddy kink_!” Max yells, pointing to the next fanfic on the list. “I don’t like being called daddy, that’s fucking weird!”

“Oh, no,” Lando cuts in. “You’re not the one being called daddy. You call him—”

“Why do you know this?”

Lando drags his hands down his face in defeat. “I freaking read it, okay? I like reading it.”

“_Why_?” Max repeats. The worst thing is he doesn’t look mad, just confused, and a little bit like he’s going to make fun of Lando for the next fifty years.

“Some of it is good,” Lando mumbles.

“Cowboy Dan teaching me how to ride is good?” 

This conversation will kill him if he doesn’t change the subject soon. “No! Just—forget it, okay? Let’s play FIFA, do you wanna play some FIFA?”

Lando doesn’t wait for Max to answer before running to his living room and taking a controller with shaky hands, desperate to distract Max with the promise of a ten-game win streak and eternal bragging rights.

It appears to work for all of ten minutes, then Max tells him, “I hope you’re better with drivers’ balls than you are with footballs. Mate, you suck.”

“Can we just forget this,” Lando begs. He’s sure this will haunt him even when he’s six feet under. Holy shit, he’s going to walk up to the gates of heaven and God will turn him away for reading pornography about his coworkers.

“No,” Max says, converting a penalty kick into his fifth goal of the match. “You can’t just read that stuff and expect me to forget it! Did you read anything with you and me?”

Lando reckons some of his dignity might survive if he stays in silence. Max pauses the game.

“No _fucking_ way,” he says. “Okay, tell me what you read.” 

“Stop!” Lando screams, ducking to avoid Max’s overhead tackle. “I’m not gonna tell you about the stuff people write about you!”

“I can just go and read myself then,” Max says. He takes his phone out of his back pocket. “What was the name of the site again?”

“Mghnfgn,” Lando says into a pillow, trying to convey how much he wants to die. He sighs. “Fine, I’ll tell you, just get out of your phone.”

Max fist pumps the air like he’s won the lottery, except the lottery is getting to hear his friend discuss people’s conceptions of his dick, which Lando thinks no sane man could be happy about. Then again, Max’s always been a bit weird.

Lando rubs his eyes until he sees tiny sparks. “Okay. The last one I read—”

“Because there were many of them.”

“Shut up. The last one I read with you was you and Charles, I think.”

Max gawks. It’s kind of a stupid thing to focus on, but whatever; Lando’s not going to tell him how to feel. “No.”

“Yes.”

A pause.

“I’ll give you the details,” Lando offers. “But only if you swear you’re not gonna tell anyone. I mean it.”

“Of course,” Max says, nodding solemnly. “You have my word.”

* * *

During the drivers’ parade in Spa, Daniel gives him a look that can only be described as the glint in the eyes of someone who’s about to take the piss, and Lando _knows_ Max’s told him before he even opens his big fucking mouth.

“What’s up,” Daniel says. “Been reading much lately?”

Lando flips him off and walks away. He’s more emotionally equipped to deal with the squeaky-voiced interviewer than with _him_.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Nine in the Afternoon_ by Panic! at the Disco. Too fitting not to use it.
> 
> Thanks to Jack (untouchableocean) for providing some of the fake fanfics shown in this. You're the best.
> 
> This work was much inspired by a work I read a long time ago. I'm not about to expose my shameful fandom past, but you can ask if you're very inclined. Sorry.
> 
> I'm singlemalter on Tumblr, but you already knew that.


End file.
